You read that right. I’m gonna make a list. People love lists, and I’m not above giving the people what they want. I love my peoples. So I’m making a list.
Here’s a list of five players on the Mets who I like. Oh, I bet you thought we were gonna be all negative here at The Mets Are Better Than Sex but no, no- we are gonna keep it positive and make a list of the five players we like on what is otherwise a god-awful, uninspiring team to watch.
Five Players JAMMQ Likes:
1. Carlos Beltran
You read that right you racist bastard. Carlos Beltran is one of the players I like. Sure, sometimes he stands at homeplate taking called strikes like he’s a wax sculpture. Sure, sometimes he drops bunts in the most inappropriate of situations. Sure, he plays a deeper than you’d like centerfield. Sure, he’s fragile. Sure, he’s not hitting homeruns like his bloated contract dictates he should. But while you sit on your couch drinking Budweiser(or Pedia light, for the gay among us) Beltran is in the lineup almost every day that he’s not getting his nails done. He plays a sick centerfield which can’t really be appreciated on television because you have no idea how far the guy is running to get to balls that your fat ass couldn’t catch if you had a car and a 20 minute head start. He’s got the strongest, most accurate arm of any player ever to wear a Met uniform, and if he wasn’t on such an awful team people wouldn’t be so hard on him. Go head, Carlos. Get those nails did, and those highlights done. We be going to Sofrito tonight, papi!
2. Ryan Church
People are all giddy about how the Lastings Milledge trade has turned out, but I still maintain it’s too early to pass judgment on that one. However, it is clear that without Ryan Church the Mets would suck twenty times worse this year than they already do. Church has managed to not strike out 8 million times this season like I predicted, and has hit pretty damn good. Because he plays so hard he’s given himself two concussions this year, and has given Carlos Delgado another exhibit to point to when Delgado makes his pitch as to why the game is best played with only 15 percent effort. Delgado get his uniform dirty? Pfft, forget that! But Church has killed brain cells, dead. Sorry, buddy. Maybe if you were on a better team none of this would have happened.
3. Brian Schneider
Another plus from the Milledge trade. Schneider actually hit a little bit early in the season. He’s passed more balls this season than a fluff girl in a bukkake film, but I still feel confident when he’s behind the plate catching Mike Pelfrey or Oliver Perez that those guys aren’t gonna totally suck. Ramon Castro and his huge head do not instill such confidence. Schneider seems like one of those high I.Q. ball players that every team needs and the Mets lack. I bet you this guy talks a lot of smack behind the plate to opposing hitters. Think of the Jake Taylor character in the film Major League. Besides, that catcher’s mask is mad cool.
4. Mike Pelfrey
If you didn’t see this one coming then you just haven’t been paying attention to this blog in the past year. Pelfrey is our hero. Young, homegrown guy with immense talent trying to develop under the microscope that comes with playing for an alleged pennant contender in the big city. This ain’t Kansas anymore folks. With the genius Rick Peterson going moutpiece, no mouthpiece, throw sinkers, throw cutters, throw four-seam fastballs, throw me my jacket, it’s a minor miracle Pelfrey hasn’t gone postal yet. Peterson has also failed to get Pelfrey to throw any type of consistent breaking pitch. Yet, here we are and Pelfrey perseveres. Every start he gets rocked fans want him demoted or converted to a reliever because fans are morons, and every almost no hitter he throws that the Mets squander goes unnoticed. Pelfrey has given you exactly what you’d expect from a pitcher in his first full season in the majors. One of the things the Mets got right this year was leaving him in the rotation this season. If that patience continues it will pay off two years from now. I promise.
Just think what Dave Duncan would do with Pelfrey. That guy got Braden Looper to pitch good again. Meanwhile, Pelfrey is stuck with Peterson. Sorry, Pelf.
5. David Wright
This was probably the easiest choice, but Wright makes my list because of a story told to us by a buddy of ours who played for the Brooklyn Cyclones back in 2005-2006.
Our buddy was down at Spring Training in Port St. Lucie with the Mets, and our buddy’s dad went down to see his son play. David Wright went over to the stands where our buddy’s dad was sitting and said hello. He said, “Hey Mr. JAMMQ’S buddy’s dad, how you doing?” and stopped and talked for a couple of minutes. Keep in mind our buddy wasn’t that close with Wright, and was one of a bunch of non-roster guys down there for spring training. But here was Wright, star that he was emerging to be, humble as hell and not above a hello. Contrast that with Lastings Milledge, who our buddy actually played with- who was a complete douche who upon being promoted to the majors pretended to not remember any of his teammates names that he played with in the low minors(including our buddy’s name). For that reason Wright makes our list. It is sad to watch Wright’s spirit get crushed on a night-in, night-out basis. He deserves better than to be surrounded by a bunch of oft-injured, uninspired Roger Dorns. The Mets would be doing Wright a favor if they cut every player over 35 from the roster. The sooner that dead weight is shed, the sooner Wright can fully take control of the team. Sorry, David. If we boo, know that a brunt of it is not directed at you. We know you’re doing what you can.
And that’s my list. Like the list? Don’t like the list? I don’t care. Go make your own goddamn list then. That’s my list and I’m proud of it.