(Sun begins to shine through the shades of Room 424 of the LaGuardia Marriot)
(Pelfrey lying in bed still half asleep)
Mike Pelfrey: Ooh baby, that’s the way I like it, keep it up honey. Scouts so I throw a “heavy ball”, and I’m about to show you what they mean. Yeah, baby . . . like that.
(sun rises, Pelfrey wakes up)
Pelfrey: Wha-? What the fuck? Where am I?
(Rubs eyes)
Pelfrey: Oh fuck. Not again. I’m in Queens. Fuck.
(Inspects erection that developed during dream)
Pelfrey: Fuck. That prick Peterson is gonna call any sec- . . .
(Phone rings)
Pelfrey: Fuck!!!!!!!!
(Answers phone)
Pelfrey: Hello?
Rick Peterson: Hello, Mike. This is Rick.
Pelfrey: Hey.
Peterson: Mike, I just wanted to make sure you were awake. We really need you to come up big tonight. This is a real opportunity for you. With Jorge pitching poorly last night, this is a real opportunity for you to show us that you are ready to be a major league pitcher.
Pelfrey: (mumbles) Prick.
Peterson: What’s that, Mike? Did you say something?
Pelfrey: Oh, sorry. I said “yes, Rick!” I’m ready to be a big-leaguer. Thank you, for all the advice.
Peterson: Ok, Michael. Now did you sleep on the floor like I told you to?
Pelfrey: Yessir.
Peterson: Ok, also I just thought of something. I only want you to use your left eye today. So I want you to keep your right eye closed the entire day. The left eye is the lead eye for a right-handed pitcher, and I’m convinced this will help your control. My mullet told me this was so this morning.
(Pelfrey covers phone)
Pelfrey: I wonder how much it costs to pay to kill someone.
Peterson: Hello? Mike? You there?
(Uncovers phone)
Pelfrey: Sorry, sir. I was speaking. Guess the LaGuardia Marriot phones are on the fritz. I said I will keep my right eye closed, sir. Thank you for your advice.
Peterson: Ok, Mike. Now I want you to get to Shea around 3 p.m. today. The first game will be almost over by then, and I have some new notes I want you to review when you get here.
Pelfrey: Ok.
Peterson: And you remember what I told you about urinating on game day, right?
Pelfrey: Yes.
Peterson: It’s important for right-handed pitchers to only hold their penises with their left hands on game day. If you hold it with the left hand, while placing your right hand on the top of your scalp, the blood flow to your shoulder increases by 30%.
Pelfrey: Ok.
Peterson: Ok, Michael. This is the start where you really open eyes. If you listen to me, I’ll take you places.
Pelfrey: Ok.
Peterson: Alright, talk to you later. Don’t forget your mouthpiece that I gave you.
Pelfrey: Ok. Bye.
Peterson: Tootles.
(Pelfrey hangs up phone)
Pelfrey: Where’s my weed?
(Looks through duffle bag on floor, finds weed)
Pelfrey: Score! They have the best stuff in New Orleans. Thank God, for Tatis showing me that spot.
(Packs bowl, takes hit)
Pelfrey: Oh, yeah! That’s nice! Whoooo! It’s gonna be a long day.
(Picks up phone, dials room service)
Pelfrey: Yeah, I’m gonna need two bloody mary’s, and a hooker from Roosevelt Avenue. But, none of those skanky Ecuadorian bitches like last time. Strictly Colombians . . . oh, and a bag of Cheetos, those things are delicious.
(Hangs up phone and walks to bathroom)
Pelfrey: Now what the hell did that guy say?
(Pisses with right hand while putting left hand on head)
Pelfrey: Oh yeah, I can feel the blood circulatin’ already. Maybe I should wear my mouthpiece while doin’ this.
(Finishes pissing, phone rings)
Pelfrey: Fuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!
(Takes another hit from pipe, answers phone)
Pelfrey: Hello?
Peterson: Hello, Mike. It’s Rick again . . . .
